Repost dari blog satu lagi

Assalamualaikum..

Hi awak..

Saje je, sy terjumpe satu 'surat sesat' untuk awak dlm blog sy yg satu lagi and nak post kat sini.. boleh? 6th May 2009

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Hey Mister.. I thought of you today..

I know I'm not supposed to and that in a way, its wrong.. but I guess something triggered the memories of you.

DON'T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT! I'm not this crazy person coming to distrupt your pleasant life. Chill out, ok! You know me more that you would admit and you KNOW I won't do anything stupid.. at least I think you know..

It just that, Mister..

Last Saturday, coming back from class, I turned on the radio as usual, switching stations as more and more advertisments were filling up the air. Then at this station, there was a live telecast of a local award and a group of girls were singing a classic by Allahyarham Sudirman (Personally, I like Sudirmans version. The version by KRU and these girls are soooo tak bes!) I dunno why, while enjoying this lame-tak-dengar song, when they came to the chorus, I remembered you..

But hey Mister..

Don't get me wrong. I'm not obsessed with you, ok. Its been six long years now, and I'm past being that unrecognizable mess I was then. I've forgotten the reason we fought and most of the time, I only remember the good memories I had with you. In fact, those are almost the only things I remember now..

..and Mister..

I get it. You're married now. With your own son/daughter to lighten up your day. Not that I know much of it pun since everytime your mum brings up the subject, I'll quickly move on to another topic, being a bit rude by ignoring what she wanted to say.. I'm sorry! But I get it.. thats why I'm saying, don't worry. I'm not THAT pathetic.. you know me, don't you?

Believe me Mister..

I don't wish for bad things for you. I don't wish for misfortune or bad luck. I don't wish that the sun stops shining in your world, nor do I wish it will always be in the storm. I never did.. you know that don't you?

But Mister..

There are times I still wonder. There are times I still question everything.. even now!

And believe me Mister, its not for the sake of finding reasons to fight. Its just for me to know the truth once and for all. Its just for me to know what really happened.. thats all.

Like yesterday, I became a fool once again while watching tv. You've always known how secretive I was once upon a time ago, don't you Mister? How I never liked sharing my intimate feelings with anyone to the point when my 'cousins' in EE said, Ayu takde perasaan! I laughed whenever they said that to me, which was always haha.. but I didn't laugh when for the first time in my life, I broke down after being asked if I was okay, instead of smiling and saying my usual, "Takde ape².." For the very first time in my life, I admited I wasn't okay and for the first time, someone else had a chance to listen to my secret thoughts I've always hidden from other people. When I saw a similar scene on TV, without warning I thought of you again and I didn't realize I was crying until my sight was blurred by my tears. Thats twice in a matter of days.. something I haven't done for a long time..

..and for a while, I wondered. Will I ever stop acting this way?

And I'm not judging you, Mister. I'm selfish, yes I am! I wanna know for my own personal reason. For my own validation on the kind of person I was and if it was my fault entirely.. just so I don't feel like such a fool every now and then..

..coz you were my BESTFRIEND once upon a time ago, weren't you , Mister? You're the one who supposedly knows me more than I know myself and you're the only one who could tell me the truth of it.

All the while, this was all I wanted. I'm past everything else.. I just want to know what really happened. I just want an honest explanation.

I'm not asking you to fulfill your promises to me all those years ago. I'm not asking you to mend my heart after you broke it.. besides, it now races for someone else :) I just want a piece of mind, something that will help in my confidence for the future. And I promise to swallow it all, no matter how bitter, no matter how sweet..

So Mister..

Can you give it to me?

For the sake of ol' times..

Can you?

Teringat²

Assalamualaikum

Hi awak..

Tetibe sy tulis surat kat awak lagi? Hahah.. padahal baru smlm je.. but then again, kite nye emails dulu pun on daily basis jugak kan.. =(

Actually, tetibe teringat² kat awak. Sy update blog sy yg satu lagi tadi and was searching for this entry pasal lagu utk kawan² sy when sy stumbled upon an entry sy tulis on my birthday last year.. awak nak bace? Tgk lah kat sini

Mule sy dok gelak je bace entry² lame sblm tu, tp this entry made me cry.. just a bit je. To be truthful, satu je pun air mate yg sempat jatuh.. tp hati sy rase mcm cube mengeraskan dirinye.

Hahah.. bahase apekah yg sy pakai ni?

*sigh*

Sampai hari ni, sy pk, will someone ever make me that happy again?

Sy still boleh ingt tau camne sy rase hari tu, mase awak dtg kat hostel kitorg dlm hujan camtu semate² nak anta kad kat sy. Your first ever card to me (tolak la kad raye awak kasi kat sy sblm tu.. ni sy citer pasal bday card je, ok)

Sy ingt lagi, sy tak terus balik ke bilik Lin, instead, sy pegi ke bilik sy just to be alone when I opened your card.. and awak buat sy senyum sepanjang hari.

Bile pk balik, had I already fallen in love with you then eh?

Take care ye..

Wassalam

Me

~SpiderGirl~

Sy kecik hati~

Assalmualaikum

Hi awak..

Tetibe sy rase mcm nak sgt sembg ngan awak skrg.. ='(

Awak tau, last weekend sy gi Klang, kenduri cousin sy. Bes mmg bes, jumpe sedare mare sumer tu.. leh sembang².. leh nyakat².. leh manje² ngan anak² sedare sumer tu.. sy mmg enjoy sgt lah wpun penat. Cousin sy chumel sgt ☺

Then, otw balik tu, ayah sedare sy collapse. So in the end, kitorg tak jadi balik umah but singgah kampung to check on him. Tido jugak la semalam kat situ.

The next day, mak sedare sy panggil sorg Ustaz ni untuk ubatkan ayah sedare sy. Diorg dah gi hospital jugak and also jumpe specialist tp mak sedare sy nak try jugak ngan Ustaz ni. Tak kisah la kan, asal ade usaha. At the same time, mak sedare sy pun nak mntk Ustaz tu check on dia sbb dikatekan ade org mcm anto 'bende' kat dia so Ustaz tu nak tolong ubatkan. Sy bkn la tak caye bende ghaib ni, cume sy tidak la ambil tahu sgt bende² camni sbb sy bkn pandai pun dlm hal camni so mase org tu nak dtg ubatkan, sy dah plan nak duk kat atas senyap². bace novel yg sy mmg ade bwk tu tp..

..tetibe mak sedare sy dtg cuit kaki sy and tanye kot sy nak Ustaz tu tgk² sy. Mak cik sy gune perkataan 'scan' so pade sy, itu sgt la harmless. Mule sy cam tak nak jugak. Like I said, sy bkn amik tahu mahupun pandai dlm bende² gini tp bile adik sy pun suruh (sibuk je dia haha..) and mak cik sy pun cam insist, sy setuju aje. Tahu dia tgh risau pasal husband dia yg sakit so sy decided to ikut je ckp dia.

Awak tau upenye nape dia nak sy jumpe Ustaz tu? Dia ngan ayah sedare sy tu same je.. and sy tergelak² bile tingat balik tau!

Once dpn Ustaz tu, mak sedare sy trus ckp, "Mintak tgk kan dia ni, nape tak kawen² lagi ni.. risau sy!" Then ayah sedare sy lak sambung, "Nasik minyak dia sy tak rase² lagi.. sy tak mau la nnt sy tak sempat nak rase!"

Hahaha.. sy trus buat muke kat diorg dan wpun diorg gelak balik, sy rase terharu bile tgk diorg still serius dlm dok gelak² tu. Tak sangke diorg risau and nak try tolong sy dlm cara camni. Sayang diorg!! ♥

Tp bkn sebab tu yg buat sy sedih skrg. Yg buat sy sedih is, yg plan ni is mak sedare and ayah sedare sy tp tetibe mak sy pulak yg buat statement kecik kan ati sy..

Dia suruh Ustaz tu ubatkan sy sbb sy TAK SEFAHAMAN NGAN DIA!

Sy terkejut giler.. bile mase pulak sy main melawan² dia?

It took me all my strength to still smile in front of everyone while buat muke neutral wpun dlm hati, nak marah pun ade, nak nangis pun ade..

Then sy teringat, 2 hari sblm tu, wpun sy tak tegur dia, tp sy ade ckp kat adik sy pasal mak tiri sy. Sy bkn la cam sokong mak tiri sy ke ape ke, tp sy tak suke bile mak sy buat mcm anak² dia tu sbnrnye anak² mak sy and Umi sy tu mcm takde hak kat anak² sendiri. Salah sikit, dibesar² kan. Sbb nye baru ni mak tiri sy amik anak² dia and bwk ke KL sbb pengasuh dia kat Png (long story on why diorg duk jauh² and only meet on weekends) nak gi haji. To me, biar la, tu anak² dia and selame ni pun dia rindu kat anak² dia sbb dia cume leh jumpe diorg time weekend. Sy rase, org lain pun akan pk camtu jugak..

..tp mak sy besar² kan hal tu. Citer kat sumer org mcm la mak tiri sy culik anak dia. Anak² dia je pun..

Actually, sy tatau pun pasal ni, mak sy mmg suke ckp sy ni sokong ayah and Umi sy padahal ayah sy plak akan kate sy ni sokong mak sy je. Sy tau pun sbb adik sy ckp so bende first sy ckp is tegur adik sy, ckp yg Umi tu bknnye amik anak org lain pun, anak² dia. Sy rase mak sy dgr ni yg dia kate sy tak sefahaman ngan dia.

Tp sy kecik ati sgt dia bleh ckp sy mcm tu dpn org yg kitorg tak kenal pun. So awak bygkan la ape yg dia dah citer kat org² yg kitorg kenal. Sy mmg kecik ati sgt.

Salah ke sy tegur dia jgn dok kutuk suami dia sgt?

Salah ke sy tegur dia jaga bilik tidur dia klau dia nak suami dia gune bilik tu?

Salah ke sy tegur dia bile dia kutuk cara Umi sy jage anak kat semua org?

Salah ke sy tegur dia bermuke² ngan ayah and Umi sy, depan buat baik, tp kat belakang abis diburukkan?

Salah ke sy tegur dia bile dgn selambe dia burukkan ayah sy dpn org (ayah sy pun ade situ and ayah sy tak penah pun buat camtu kat dia) sdgkn dia sendiri tak la jage sgt tanggungjawab sbg isteri?

Dia balas balik ngan panggil sy anak derhaka.. padahal sy tak tinggi suare pun. And sejak hari tu (ade la dlm 5 tahun lepas kot), sy dah tak pernah tegur dia dah untuk salah² dia yg nyata. Klau sy tau pun, sy buat senyap je skrg..

..itu pun dia gi ckp kat Ustaz tu sy tak sefahaman ngan dia? And cara dia ckp pun mcm sy ni dok cari gaduh ngan dia selalu padahal tiap kali jumpe ke atau sy balik ke, sy ngelak dr ckp bende² yg sy tau dia takkan suke.

Sy kecik ati giler, and rase mcm ini sgt tak fair.

Kenape sy yg cube nak elakkan dia buat dosa free camtu dia bleh ckp camtu? Tp mangkuk (ok, awak msti tatau tp sy skrg dah pandai nak panggil org ngan name² gini hahah..) yg menipu dia tu bukan main lagi diagung²kan.

Awak rase, mane lagi baik: Sy jujur ngan dia sbb sy tanak dia buat dose.. atau sy tipu dia yg sy akan beli umah utk dia la ape la sdgkan sy takde usaha ape pun ke situ, lagi dok mintak duit kat dia lagi ade la?

Mase dia ckp camtu, sy terpakse buat mcm tak perasan dia ckp camtu.. and sy rase mcm sy over gelak bile mak sedare and ayah sedare sy ckp pasal jodoh sy tu kat Ustaz yg dtg tu just to cover up rase kecik ati sy.

Dulu mase sy form 5 pun camni jugak.. Just to cover up mangkuk tu, dia sanggup tuduh sy curi brg dia and ngadu kat ayah sy sampai ayah sy panggil sy pencuri and penipu. Sy bkn la baik sgt, awak, tp sy tau sy cube. And bile sy tanye dia, awak tau ape dia ckp, "Biar la, kang asyik **** je kene marah, nmpk mcm dia jahat sgt. Biar la org lain pulak yg kene marah!" Awak pk, ape perasaan sy bile tau sengaje dituduh just to make it seem like mangkuk tu bkn la jahat sgt?

Its not fair!

Awak.. kadang sy try pujuk hati sy yg Tuhan lagi tau niat sy and keikhlasan sy. Tp bile tak abis² asyik nak tuduh sy mcm², sy jadi tak yakin. Teruk kan sy ni =(

Sy tatau nak buat camne. Mase akhirnye sy balik umah, sy rase cam lege sgt sbb sy dok tahan hati sy dari time mak sy ckp camtu, sampai la the time I was away from her..

Awak, kalau la sy leh ckp ngan awak skrg.. Sy rase cam sorg² sgt..

I miss you as my bestfriend I once had..

Take care

Wassalam

~SpiderGirl~