Mimpi.. again?

Looking back on the last post I had written, sy baru perasan yg dah almost setahun dah sy tak tulis surat kat awak. Not much that I'm busy. Kadang tu mmg nak sgt bukak kat sini and just 'talk' to you but somehow, I never do..

But tonight, I think I need to..

Awak tau, almost a year ago, sy mimpi awak. Haha, sy pun tatau cemmane leh mimpi awak but there you were, smack in the middle of my dream, eventhough sy tak pk pasal awak pun sblm tu. I wrote about it here.

Anyway, sy ingat takat tu je sy nak mimpi pun pasal awak.. and I was right until ari Jumaat lepas.

To be fair, sy tido lepas Subuh so mimpi pun mesti la mengarut kan.. but I wasn't thinking of you at all. In fact, dah lame kot tak teringat kat awak but..

I was somewhere. Tak brape perasan kt mane but I was a fasilitator ke ape ntah. N awak ade situ. But you looked older and.. ntah la..

Bgn tu, sy sgt confused, why la awak masuk dlm mimpi sy.. as mengarut as a mimpi lepas Subuh could be.

Ok, now sy dah buntu tatau nak tulis ape.. erkkk..

Pen off then..

Take care

Assalamualaikum

Me,

~Spider Girl~

Repost dari blog satu lagi

Assalamualaikum..

Hi awak..

Saje je, sy terjumpe satu 'surat sesat' untuk awak dlm blog sy yg satu lagi and nak post kat sini.. boleh? 6th May 2009

*******

Hey Mister.. I thought of you today..

I know I'm not supposed to and that in a way, its wrong.. but I guess something triggered the memories of you.

DON'T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT! I'm not this crazy person coming to distrupt your pleasant life. Chill out, ok! You know me more that you would admit and you KNOW I won't do anything stupid.. at least I think you know..

It just that, Mister..

Last Saturday, coming back from class, I turned on the radio as usual, switching stations as more and more advertisments were filling up the air. Then at this station, there was a live telecast of a local award and a group of girls were singing a classic by Allahyarham Sudirman (Personally, I like Sudirmans version. The version by KRU and these girls are soooo tak bes!) I dunno why, while enjoying this lame-tak-dengar song, when they came to the chorus, I remembered you..

But hey Mister..

Don't get me wrong. I'm not obsessed with you, ok. Its been six long years now, and I'm past being that unrecognizable mess I was then. I've forgotten the reason we fought and most of the time, I only remember the good memories I had with you. In fact, those are almost the only things I remember now..

..and Mister..

I get it. You're married now. With your own son/daughter to lighten up your day. Not that I know much of it pun since everytime your mum brings up the subject, I'll quickly move on to another topic, being a bit rude by ignoring what she wanted to say.. I'm sorry! But I get it.. thats why I'm saying, don't worry. I'm not THAT pathetic.. you know me, don't you?

Believe me Mister..

I don't wish for bad things for you. I don't wish for misfortune or bad luck. I don't wish that the sun stops shining in your world, nor do I wish it will always be in the storm. I never did.. you know that don't you?

But Mister..

There are times I still wonder. There are times I still question everything.. even now!

And believe me Mister, its not for the sake of finding reasons to fight. Its just for me to know the truth once and for all. Its just for me to know what really happened.. thats all.

Like yesterday, I became a fool once again while watching tv. You've always known how secretive I was once upon a time ago, don't you Mister? How I never liked sharing my intimate feelings with anyone to the point when my 'cousins' in EE said, Ayu takde perasaan! I laughed whenever they said that to me, which was always haha.. but I didn't laugh when for the first time in my life, I broke down after being asked if I was okay, instead of smiling and saying my usual, "Takde ape².." For the very first time in my life, I admited I wasn't okay and for the first time, someone else had a chance to listen to my secret thoughts I've always hidden from other people. When I saw a similar scene on TV, without warning I thought of you again and I didn't realize I was crying until my sight was blurred by my tears. Thats twice in a matter of days.. something I haven't done for a long time..

..and for a while, I wondered. Will I ever stop acting this way?

And I'm not judging you, Mister. I'm selfish, yes I am! I wanna know for my own personal reason. For my own validation on the kind of person I was and if it was my fault entirely.. just so I don't feel like such a fool every now and then..

..coz you were my BESTFRIEND once upon a time ago, weren't you , Mister? You're the one who supposedly knows me more than I know myself and you're the only one who could tell me the truth of it.

All the while, this was all I wanted. I'm past everything else.. I just want to know what really happened. I just want an honest explanation.

I'm not asking you to fulfill your promises to me all those years ago. I'm not asking you to mend my heart after you broke it.. besides, it now races for someone else :) I just want a piece of mind, something that will help in my confidence for the future. And I promise to swallow it all, no matter how bitter, no matter how sweet..

So Mister..

Can you give it to me?

For the sake of ol' times..

Can you?

Teringat²

Assalamualaikum

Hi awak..

Tetibe sy tulis surat kat awak lagi? Hahah.. padahal baru smlm je.. but then again, kite nye emails dulu pun on daily basis jugak kan.. =(

Actually, tetibe teringat² kat awak. Sy update blog sy yg satu lagi tadi and was searching for this entry pasal lagu utk kawan² sy when sy stumbled upon an entry sy tulis on my birthday last year.. awak nak bace? Tgk lah kat sini

Mule sy dok gelak je bace entry² lame sblm tu, tp this entry made me cry.. just a bit je. To be truthful, satu je pun air mate yg sempat jatuh.. tp hati sy rase mcm cube mengeraskan dirinye.

Hahah.. bahase apekah yg sy pakai ni?

*sigh*

Sampai hari ni, sy pk, will someone ever make me that happy again?

Sy still boleh ingt tau camne sy rase hari tu, mase awak dtg kat hostel kitorg dlm hujan camtu semate² nak anta kad kat sy. Your first ever card to me (tolak la kad raye awak kasi kat sy sblm tu.. ni sy citer pasal bday card je, ok)

Sy ingt lagi, sy tak terus balik ke bilik Lin, instead, sy pegi ke bilik sy just to be alone when I opened your card.. and awak buat sy senyum sepanjang hari.

Bile pk balik, had I already fallen in love with you then eh?

Take care ye..

Wassalam

Me

~SpiderGirl~

Sy kecik hati~

Assalmualaikum

Hi awak..

Tetibe sy rase mcm nak sgt sembg ngan awak skrg.. ='(

Awak tau, last weekend sy gi Klang, kenduri cousin sy. Bes mmg bes, jumpe sedare mare sumer tu.. leh sembang².. leh nyakat².. leh manje² ngan anak² sedare sumer tu.. sy mmg enjoy sgt lah wpun penat. Cousin sy chumel sgt ☺

Then, otw balik tu, ayah sedare sy collapse. So in the end, kitorg tak jadi balik umah but singgah kampung to check on him. Tido jugak la semalam kat situ.

The next day, mak sedare sy panggil sorg Ustaz ni untuk ubatkan ayah sedare sy. Diorg dah gi hospital jugak and also jumpe specialist tp mak sedare sy nak try jugak ngan Ustaz ni. Tak kisah la kan, asal ade usaha. At the same time, mak sedare sy pun nak mntk Ustaz tu check on dia sbb dikatekan ade org mcm anto 'bende' kat dia so Ustaz tu nak tolong ubatkan. Sy bkn la tak caye bende ghaib ni, cume sy tidak la ambil tahu sgt bende² camni sbb sy bkn pandai pun dlm hal camni so mase org tu nak dtg ubatkan, sy dah plan nak duk kat atas senyap². bace novel yg sy mmg ade bwk tu tp..

..tetibe mak sedare sy dtg cuit kaki sy and tanye kot sy nak Ustaz tu tgk² sy. Mak cik sy gune perkataan 'scan' so pade sy, itu sgt la harmless. Mule sy cam tak nak jugak. Like I said, sy bkn amik tahu mahupun pandai dlm bende² gini tp bile adik sy pun suruh (sibuk je dia haha..) and mak cik sy pun cam insist, sy setuju aje. Tahu dia tgh risau pasal husband dia yg sakit so sy decided to ikut je ckp dia.

Awak tau upenye nape dia nak sy jumpe Ustaz tu? Dia ngan ayah sedare sy tu same je.. and sy tergelak² bile tingat balik tau!

Once dpn Ustaz tu, mak sedare sy trus ckp, "Mintak tgk kan dia ni, nape tak kawen² lagi ni.. risau sy!" Then ayah sedare sy lak sambung, "Nasik minyak dia sy tak rase² lagi.. sy tak mau la nnt sy tak sempat nak rase!"

Hahaha.. sy trus buat muke kat diorg dan wpun diorg gelak balik, sy rase terharu bile tgk diorg still serius dlm dok gelak² tu. Tak sangke diorg risau and nak try tolong sy dlm cara camni. Sayang diorg!! ♥

Tp bkn sebab tu yg buat sy sedih skrg. Yg buat sy sedih is, yg plan ni is mak sedare and ayah sedare sy tp tetibe mak sy pulak yg buat statement kecik kan ati sy..

Dia suruh Ustaz tu ubatkan sy sbb sy TAK SEFAHAMAN NGAN DIA!

Sy terkejut giler.. bile mase pulak sy main melawan² dia?

It took me all my strength to still smile in front of everyone while buat muke neutral wpun dlm hati, nak marah pun ade, nak nangis pun ade..

Then sy teringat, 2 hari sblm tu, wpun sy tak tegur dia, tp sy ade ckp kat adik sy pasal mak tiri sy. Sy bkn la cam sokong mak tiri sy ke ape ke, tp sy tak suke bile mak sy buat mcm anak² dia tu sbnrnye anak² mak sy and Umi sy tu mcm takde hak kat anak² sendiri. Salah sikit, dibesar² kan. Sbb nye baru ni mak tiri sy amik anak² dia and bwk ke KL sbb pengasuh dia kat Png (long story on why diorg duk jauh² and only meet on weekends) nak gi haji. To me, biar la, tu anak² dia and selame ni pun dia rindu kat anak² dia sbb dia cume leh jumpe diorg time weekend. Sy rase, org lain pun akan pk camtu jugak..

..tp mak sy besar² kan hal tu. Citer kat sumer org mcm la mak tiri sy culik anak dia. Anak² dia je pun..

Actually, sy tatau pun pasal ni, mak sy mmg suke ckp sy ni sokong ayah and Umi sy padahal ayah sy plak akan kate sy ni sokong mak sy je. Sy tau pun sbb adik sy ckp so bende first sy ckp is tegur adik sy, ckp yg Umi tu bknnye amik anak org lain pun, anak² dia. Sy rase mak sy dgr ni yg dia kate sy tak sefahaman ngan dia.

Tp sy kecik ati sgt dia bleh ckp sy mcm tu dpn org yg kitorg tak kenal pun. So awak bygkan la ape yg dia dah citer kat org² yg kitorg kenal. Sy mmg kecik ati sgt.

Salah ke sy tegur dia jgn dok kutuk suami dia sgt?

Salah ke sy tegur dia jaga bilik tidur dia klau dia nak suami dia gune bilik tu?

Salah ke sy tegur dia bile dia kutuk cara Umi sy jage anak kat semua org?

Salah ke sy tegur dia bermuke² ngan ayah and Umi sy, depan buat baik, tp kat belakang abis diburukkan?

Salah ke sy tegur dia bile dgn selambe dia burukkan ayah sy dpn org (ayah sy pun ade situ and ayah sy tak penah pun buat camtu kat dia) sdgkn dia sendiri tak la jage sgt tanggungjawab sbg isteri?

Dia balas balik ngan panggil sy anak derhaka.. padahal sy tak tinggi suare pun. And sejak hari tu (ade la dlm 5 tahun lepas kot), sy dah tak pernah tegur dia dah untuk salah² dia yg nyata. Klau sy tau pun, sy buat senyap je skrg..

..itu pun dia gi ckp kat Ustaz tu sy tak sefahaman ngan dia? And cara dia ckp pun mcm sy ni dok cari gaduh ngan dia selalu padahal tiap kali jumpe ke atau sy balik ke, sy ngelak dr ckp bende² yg sy tau dia takkan suke.

Sy kecik ati giler, and rase mcm ini sgt tak fair.

Kenape sy yg cube nak elakkan dia buat dosa free camtu dia bleh ckp camtu? Tp mangkuk (ok, awak msti tatau tp sy skrg dah pandai nak panggil org ngan name² gini hahah..) yg menipu dia tu bukan main lagi diagung²kan.

Awak rase, mane lagi baik: Sy jujur ngan dia sbb sy tanak dia buat dose.. atau sy tipu dia yg sy akan beli umah utk dia la ape la sdgkan sy takde usaha ape pun ke situ, lagi dok mintak duit kat dia lagi ade la?

Mase dia ckp camtu, sy terpakse buat mcm tak perasan dia ckp camtu.. and sy rase mcm sy over gelak bile mak sedare and ayah sedare sy ckp pasal jodoh sy tu kat Ustaz yg dtg tu just to cover up rase kecik ati sy.

Dulu mase sy form 5 pun camni jugak.. Just to cover up mangkuk tu, dia sanggup tuduh sy curi brg dia and ngadu kat ayah sy sampai ayah sy panggil sy pencuri and penipu. Sy bkn la baik sgt, awak, tp sy tau sy cube. And bile sy tanye dia, awak tau ape dia ckp, "Biar la, kang asyik **** je kene marah, nmpk mcm dia jahat sgt. Biar la org lain pulak yg kene marah!" Awak pk, ape perasaan sy bile tau sengaje dituduh just to make it seem like mangkuk tu bkn la jahat sgt?

Its not fair!

Awak.. kadang sy try pujuk hati sy yg Tuhan lagi tau niat sy and keikhlasan sy. Tp bile tak abis² asyik nak tuduh sy mcm², sy jadi tak yakin. Teruk kan sy ni =(

Sy tatau nak buat camne. Mase akhirnye sy balik umah, sy rase cam lege sgt sbb sy dok tahan hati sy dari time mak sy ckp camtu, sampai la the time I was away from her..

Awak, kalau la sy leh ckp ngan awak skrg.. Sy rase cam sorg² sgt..

I miss you as my bestfriend I once had..

Take care

Wassalam

~SpiderGirl~

Awak rase, sy akan still camni sampai bebile ke?

Assalamualaikum

Hi awak..

Waaa.. awak tau, sy dah lupe ID ape sy pakai untuk blog ni.. boleh? Jenuh sy try tadi mcm².. tu la, sape suh bnyk sgt bukak blog kan hehe..

Awak tau, tadi mase bukak balik blog ni, baru sy pasan, dah dekat 2 tahun dah sy tak tulis kat sini. Bnyk bende sy nak citer kat awak.. tp sy sedar satu bende, sumer bende yg sy nak citer kat awak berkenaan ngan someone.. =(

First things first.. awak pe kabo ye skrg? Mesti anak dah ramai kan awak? Sy kdg tu bile tingt kat awak, terpk jugak, camne la muke anak awak eh? Cam awak ke? Cam wife awak ke? Klau sy terjumpe, bleh ke tak ye sy cam?

Hmm.. sy tau, soklan yg sy takkan tau jawapannye.. tp kan dulu sy selalu tanye jugak pasal awak klau tulis surat. time tu, awak pun akan tanye pasal sy.. tp dlm blog ni, cume ade one way communication je kat sini kan..

Takpe lah.. nak wat camne kan..

Awak.. sy sebenarnye dah 2-3 hari dah terpk nak bukak balik blog ni sbb ade bende yg sy nak citer. Sy tatau nak citer kat sape, sy cume ade awak je dulu.. dan illusion yg sy still ade awak (as my bestfriend dulu la..) sekarang..

Weekend aritu, sy gi Perlis ikut kwn kite sorg tu. Yg exhousemate sy tu, awak kenal punye. Kitorang sbnrnye nak gi beraye kat umah junior kitorg and lepas tu, junior sy yg dtg ni plak ade la ajak gi Padang Besar so sy mengikut je sbb sy actually takde kete pun time tu (long story!).

Mase kitorg otw pegi and also mase kitorg kat Padang Besar, sy just try to enjoy myself la sbb dah lame tak gi Padang Besar and terase mau la jugak tgk² ape yg ade. Not once sy terpk pasal awak..

..until a few days ago!

Somehow, tetibe sy teringat something. Awak ingt tak a few years ago, mase awak dah nak abis MSc awak and sy baru merangkak nak try, awak penah ajak sy gi Padang Besar ngan awak and mak awak. Mase tu, awak just nak sy kenal ngan family awak, esp mak awak?

What suprised me was sepanjang kat sana, sy tak teringt langsung pasal ni.. as opposed to mase sy gi Langkawi a few years back di mane sy asyik teringt kat awak je sepangjang mase ade kat sane sbb tringat janji awak nak bwk sy gi sane. Sy ingt lagi mase gi Langkawi 1st time tu, sy tak leh stop pk yg awak penah janji nak jadi the first person to take me there.. okay la, janji tu mcm a big word, tp awak penah la ade hasrat camtu but it never happened sbb just a few months later, we stopped talking to each other. It was a bittersweet experience for me sbb sy enjoy pegi sane but I also felt a bit sad sbb sy pegi bkn ngan awak.. =(

Anyway, tu citer dulu.. klau ikutkan pattern, sepatutnye time sy gi Pdg Besar aritu, sy mesti la kene ingt kat awak kan? But funnily, the whole time I was thinking of someone else..

..yg somehow, also has broken my heart..

Awak, how come sy ni asyik buat silap je when it comes to my heart?

Bile sy bace balik entry dulu², I realize dah lame dah rupenye sy suke kat budak ni.. and selame itulah jugak dia tak penah pk lebih pasal sy more that a friend.. mcm awak lah kot ye?

Skrg ni, we're not talking..

..and I wish we were..

Sy tiap hari tringt kat dia, awak tau.. sy tiap mlm sblm tido pk pasal dia, hoping that he's thinking of me.. apasal la sy ni suke sgt buat kat diri sy sendiri camni?

I think its good, yg sebenanrnye sy dah get over awak.. tp, its like kuar mulut buaye masuk mulut rimau la kan.. only, korg idak le bahaye gitu.

Sy nak sgt citer kat someone, tp awak tau la sy.. bile bende yg btul² bg kesan kat hati sy, sy tak pandai nak share. Mcm skrg ni pun, bile dlm kepale sy, sy rase mcm bnyk bende sy nak tulis n citer kat awak ni and bile sy pk, sy rase cam hati sy ni makin hari makin shattered.. tp once sy duk dpn pc ni, sy cam tak boleh nak really write about how I feel..

I wish I could take a look into your heart..

..just to see who owns it

I wish I'd have a chance explore your mind..

..just to see who fills it

I wish I could take a peek into your soul..

..just to see who colours it

I wish I could take a stroll into your dreams..

..just to see who holds your hand through it

Sy tulis bende ni satu mlm mase sy tingt kat dia.. hahah, sy tau, sy nye ayat tidak la bagus sgt, tp ini bende yg lahir dari hati sy.

Tatau la awak, sy mcm naik giler dah ni..

..sy nak tido lah.. mate sy pedih dok nangis je dari tadi (Ye, perangai suke nagis sy masih blum ubah..)

Awak take care ye..

Wassalam

Me,

~SpiderGirl~

Camne sy nak jage hati sy ni, awak? :(

Assalamualaikum..

Hi awak..

Sorry, harini takde intro², sy nak trus tulis ape sy rase boleh?

Hati sy rase luke. Dari semalam dah sy asyik rase nak nangis je. Sy tatau ape patut sy buat. Sy tanak fikir tp itu yg sy asyik fikir. Dok layan New Moon smlm pun sempat lagi sy terfikir² kan bende ni.

Awak, camne sy nak jage hati sy so tak luke lagi? Sy tak mau dah buang mase sy dok sedey² fikirkan bende yg tak sepatutnye sy fikir, tp sy nak buat mcm mane ni? Hari ni pun, klau bukan sbb sy ade kelas, sy rase mau je sy berkurung kat rumah.

Kenape sy suke kat dia ye? Kenape sy tak leh nak fikir pasal bende lain. Bile sy duk sorg je, sy asyik fikir pasal dia. Camne sy nak lupe klau kepale sy asyik nak ke situ je. Dah la dia tak rase ape pun, sy sorg je yg dok suke sendiri².

Awal² dulu okay la.. org kate, the first time you feel it, its beautiful. Tp bile asyik sy je yg rase, boring jugak haha.. boring ke? Klau boring, kenape sy still fikir? Bkn sy tak cube tau, sy cube utk tak fikir. Sbb sy rase sy akan makin teruk klau lagi sy fikir, klau lagi sy biarkan dia dlm kepale sy.. tp tatau kenape tak boleh la..

*sigh*

Take care ye, awak..

Wassalam

Me,

~SpiderGirl~

Sy nak makan chocolate

Assalamualaikum

Awak..

Sy rase serabut sgt sekarang. Sy nak makan chocolate!

Take care ye

Wassalam